Leggings as Pants? METAPHYSICS RULES IN...

Dear Ms. Inquiry,


Today, I found that all my pants were in the laundry!  However, I have a veritable SURPLUS of leggings.  Should I wear leggings as pants, with perhaps a t-shirt or sweater as the top?  I have received mixed feedback from my gals 'n' pals!


I seek your WISDOM OF A METAPHYSICIAN,
She's Got Legs, But Don't Know How To Use 'Em


Dear Legs (might I call you that for short?),

The question is not so much should you wear leggings as pants.  What if it were impossible to wear leggings as pants?  What if it were a metaphysical impossibility for leggings to function as pants?

Whoa, whoa, let me back up and explain METAPHYSICS to y'all.  Metaphysics, apart from being that section of your bookstore with tarot cards and ghosts and crap, is the study of the nature of reality.  For example, once, a philosophy professor of mine pushed an eraser across the table, and we the class spent about an hour debating on whether it had actually moved.  Metaphysics!

So I'm going to just start with a simple claim: One can wear leggings as pants if leggings are pants.

This might sound simple, but think about it: can I wear anything that isn't pants, as pants?  I can't wear a skirt as pants-- a skirt is a bottom, but it is not pants.  I can't wear shorts as pants, for the same reason.  The only exception to this rule is Lady Gaga, who can wear anything as anything and thus has real-time, demigod-like powers over time and space.

Pictured: Cthulhu

So now, we have to go into what it means to be pants.  I will call upon the wisdom of my boy Aristotle for this.

Aristotle: an expert on what it means to be pants.

Aristotle said that we don't even know a thing until we know its four causes.  Using "pants" as the example, these causes are:

• The material cause: the stuff it's made out of (fabric such as denim or, in your fathers' 70s days, vinyl)
• The formal cause: the form the stuff comes together to make (the pants shape)
• The efficient cause: what caused the thing to come about (a person sewin' some fabric together)
• The final cause: why the thing is (to cover your legs, fanny, and unmentionables, in a socially acceptable and functional way)

So, Legs, do your leggings match these causes?

In terms of the material cause, I should almost say so.  The difference in fabric between super stretchy skinny jeans and jeggings is negligible to the point where even the discerning eye can hardly tell which is which!  In fact, one can get pants OR leggings in black vinyl, should one choose to look like one's 70's era father.

In terms of the formal cause, pants and leggings have similar forms, except that pants, generally speaking (though certainly not always) leave more to the imagination (the exception here being David Bowie in Labyrinth).  Here, Legs, is the rub.  You must honestly ask yourself the question, "Am I David Bowie in Labyrinth?"  If the answer is no, which it most certainly is (elsewise you would not bother asking the question), skip right to the final cause.  'Cos for the purposes of this blog, who gives about the efficient cause? 

The final cause of pants is to cover one's legs, fanny, and unmentionables in a socially acceptable and functional way.  In this way, leggings do not function as pants.  Pants seek to conceal.  Leggings seek to... well, extend the interval between leg shavings.  Let's be honest.  That's why you own a "veritable surplus" of them.

So to make a long story short, Legs, either stay at home until your laundry is done, slap a skirt on top of those leggings, or magically transform into Lady Gaga or David Bowie.  Or both at once.  In fact, yea, definitely turn into a Lady Gaga/ Bowie hybrid.  That's the best idea I've had all week.

Hope that helps,

Yours In Inquiry