It Isn't Official Until It's Facebook Offical: A lesson in epistemology.

Dear Ms. Inquiry,


I'm happy as a flea in a doghouse! The super cute boy I've been crushin' has asked me to be his STEADY-TYPE GIRLFRIEND!  My only problem is, he has not yet changed his facebook relationship status to indicate that we are neighbors in Smoochville, U.S.A.  Are we really official if we're not facebook official?  My friends say no but my heart says yes!  


Please help!  I seek your KNOWLEDGE OF A PHILOSOPHER,
Don't Stop Justified True Believin'


Dear DSJTB,

Thank you for writing in-- you have right to be concerned.  These days, nobody buys nuttin' if it ain't on Facebook.  To answer your question, I will have to use epistemology.

What is epistemology, you ask?  Well, for one, it is a six-syllable word sure to impress the easily-impressed types at a cocktail party near you.  Epistemology is just the study of knowledge, belief, and truth.  As the venerable Marvin Gaye put it, "People say believe haaaaalf of what you see, son and nooooone of what you hear."

For more of Gaye's philosophical output, see "Let's Get it On," an ethical inquiry into gettin' it on

However, is something necessarily untrue simply because you "Heard It Through the Grapevine"?  According to one theory of epistemology, called consensus collectivism, the answer is a resounding NOPE.  According to consensus collectivism, if there is consensus about a given belief, that belief is true.  Which means that Justin Bieber is, objectively, a fine musician.

These days, Facebook is just about the highest standard of consensus.  Everyone's got one, and in fact I have just added your gramma as a friend before you did.  Cold.  So if it ain't on facebook, I have no idea whether you are, indeed, dating the Monarch of Makeouts, or if he's just another artifact in your Vault of Imaginary Friends, right next to your old flying unicorn named Riker.

The conclusion: Facebook is the contemporary standard of consensus truth.  Remember that time everyone was posting that the Pants on the Ground guy was dead?  Well, Virginia, for a brief moment in time, according to Philosophy(TM), the PotG guy was, indeed, dead, and brought back to life by those brave souls choosing to expose, via their F'book statuses, that his death was untrue.  That time you accidentally "liked" The Last Airbender when your cat stepped on your keyboard?  Oh yea, you liked it for real.  Gaze upon the horror that is reality, my friend.

Sorry to break it to ya, DSJTB, but according to consensus collectivism, you are more single than yellow slices of Kraft.  But once you guys are Facebook official, I will be sure to like it.  And know that when I click "like," it means I'll really have liked it.  Even if I didn't think I did.

Hope that helps,
Yours In Inquiry